Let the games begin

Firstly the elections. Due to Iyawo's very severe warnings about carrying handbags, purses, bumbag, or any other piece of arm candy I was therefore sequestered in my room for long periods during my recent stay in Nigeria trying to find ways to amuse myself. The best way I found was to watch the Presidential rallies on local television. Oh how I laughed. Sometimes I wept with laughter. Sometimes I just wept.

I hope that you all already know that the Nigerian Presidential race cannot be compared with any other country's. I mean in most other civilised places you have people that actually want to run and actually have an idea of what they plan to do should they actually , you know win. Not so in Nigeria. Firstly we have Mr Yar Adua, the President in waiting and flagbearer of the ruling PDP. Every picture I have seen of him shows a man in a state of utter disbelief and shock. The poor man was just about to put his feet up after being Governor to return to the civilised world of academia when all of a sudden he gets a call in the middle of the night to tell him that he will be the next President. Imagine the disappointment he must feel at this sudden misfortune. Imagine the call to the wife. "Yes I know. I cannot believe it either. Oh well just eight more years is all. Yes we will have to postpone the holiday in Gambia.I will just have to suffer through this. Please break it to the kids gently. Tell them how sorry I am etc etc"

Having watched at least half a dozen of the rallies I cannot for the life of me recall a single thing that Yar Adua has said. I can recall a lot of OBJ's rantings and postulations but from the Predisent elect nada. This fills me with extreme confidence that we are going to make serious progress in the next eight years. Not.

Please let us not forget the VP elect - Mr Goodluck. Now there is someone who is definitely living up to his name. Firstly he succeeds Alams (who must be counting the cost of the most expensive tummy tuck in history - what with no further access to state funds or nubile university undergraduates) and then whilst watching the cultural dancers at the primaries using the headlights of the gathered police cars (Nepa took light during the primaries. An indictment of failure if ever there was one) you hear your name called out and you think - oh OBJ has spotted me leering at those young girls and has gotten jealous. But no when you regain your composure you realise that you are going to be the next VP of Nigeria. Even better, the P that you are V to is not in the best of health so there is every chance that you will end up as a P in the not too distant future. Incredulous. Two years ago you were not even a Governor but hey this is Nigeria and like I said at the start we do things differently around these parts.

As for the other parties they realise they are fighting a losing battle. I wont bore you with their details because they are a truly unremarkable bunch. Buhari, Please. Kalu. Oh Please. Atiku. I beg come on now (the man who damaged himself whilst on his running machine, was flown abroad for treatment and then had the nerve to say that it was the fault of the present government that there were no world class hospitals that could treat him locally. Hmm Sir. I hate to point this out at this stage but you are the present bloody government). Except for Pat Utomi who is being quite old fashioned by actually detailing his policies. The elections are always won by the party with the most money or access to money and when you have $43bn sitting in reserves that is a hell of a lot of campaign funds. However, all credit to OBJ he is not taking anything for granted. You know there is never honour amongst thieves. He knows just as much as anybody else that if the PDP can rig the elections so can other parties hence his "Do or Die" motto.

I was watching him at the rally in Ajegunle a few days ago and it was hard to distinguish between the area boys on stage and the area boys in the crowd such was the rashness of the presentation. OBJ was a sight to behold. Obviously the gruelling campaign, coupled with running the country and derailing his VP has taken its toll on him as you could tell he was functioning on fumes. He still put on a great show when compared with the dummies surrounding him. He so dominated the stage that I did not even notice the candidates. He then sang a god awful song in the most god awful voice in the most god awful way ( he would not have made it on to Pop Idols Ajegunle with that performance) and then to the surprise of those gathered and his security detail leapth off the stage onto the step below and into his waiting limo. Sir, much respect for the energy you are displaying as a 70 year old when compared to your successor who though decades younger collapsed due to the strain of the campaign midway through. Of course he was also rushed abroad for medical attention because only good governments build hospitals, and schools and roads and provide low cost housing, electricity and water. Oh and security.

I am for sure that he has these things as his top priority once he takes up the position and that by December the whole country is going to be lit up like a frigging XMAS tree. Or maybe not.

Oh well never mind. PDP. PDP.PDP.