Sunday, 2 January 2011

My (belated) NewYear's shouldn't rush into these things lightly.

Exercise more – I am told that the thing in the corner of my bedroom on which I casually hang my clothes actually serves another function. According to the manual that was recently thrust under my nose, again, if one were to climb on to this contraption, place ones feet on the pedal looking things one would actually burn calories and fat and one would be considered to be doing aerobic exercise. Oh yes, one must not forget to actually push down on the pedal things and pull on the aforementioned coat hangers. One will give this a try. Tomorrow. If any damage was to occur to one please remember to tell the coroner Iyawo made me do it.

Eat healthier – It has been brought to my attention that there are some foods that are naturally green and are good for you. As a typical Yoruba man I am of the opinion that if it is green and comes out of the ground then it needs to be fried in some kind of saturated fat to make it edible. Or even better yet Palm oil. Iyawo, in alliance with that yeye Dr of ours, now informs me that it is possible to eat and digest these substances naturally and wituout support from amala,eba and other nutritious starches. I had always assumed that was the difference between animals, like goats and horses, and humans. It now transpires that I must now share the same dining table or stable with them.

Oh and now they are trying to convince me that plantain is not a vegetable!! Is is not green when it first comes from the market before I lovingly wrap it in that blanket and put it under the sink until I can smell its wonderfully putrid odour signaling that it is now ripe for dropping with care into boiling red oil? The debate over this one is still ongoing and in the meantime I will continue to imbibe freely.

Finally, they casually mention that it is possible to drink water that has not been diluted, coloured, or carbonated in some way. Yes it might be possible but whats the point? Needless to say I have had to succumb to pressure and confirm that I will be taking one glass of this substance, orally, at least once a day if not more. Said dosage not to be preceeded by alcohol, ribena, juices or other sugary liquids of any kind.!!

Relax – It is fair to say that my idea of relaxing is my BB in one hand and ipad in the other whilst watching a film and maybe listening to some music in the background. Besides proving to Iyawo that men can truly multitask I have now been advised by that yeye Dr again that relaxing means letting go of all my gadgets, locking myself in a dark room and taking it EASY. I have promised to look up that term in the dictionary as soon as they give me my ipad back. And the good Dr is prepared to pay off my mortgage and marry off my three daughters. To Northern politicians of course.I am sure that would relax me extremely.

Be happier – I have had to put my foot down on this unless a compromise can be reached on the first three items mentioned above. If one can;t fry ones plantain in palm oil where does happiness come into the picture? In parallel Iyawo has also refused to budge on the Halle Berry issue so this one will be quite a struggle. I mean is it any wonder the poor girl has to throw herself at all these Hollywood losers when Iyawo will not release me from my vows just for one week? Its obvious, to me, what she really needs in her life is an IT consultant. A digital soulmate.

Be more giving – I have thought long and hard about this. Now those that know me will say aha you are already too generous and are already making so many sacrifices but I feel I must do more. After a lot of internet research, of course, to find the right cause and outlet for my gift I have decided to focus on mentoring those girls that apply to Playboy magazine to be playmates of the month, or year, but for some reason never quite make it. Imagine the devastation of being rejected because these are too big or that is too wide, or for the unfortunate tattoo that says Crack bitch or Lammar's Ho on ones inner thigh.

To this end I propose to offer them some comfort and solace and a shoulder to cry on. It is only right and fair to give these needy souls something to hold on to as we enter this new year. Yes it means more sacrifice on my part but surely this is what giving is all about? I have raised this again with Iyawo this year, being the fifth year in a row, and this time I am feeling very optimistic that she will finally say yes. She said earlier today that I would be hearing from her lawyers soon and that there would be fireworks this evening. This time insde the house. Wow. I can't wait.

In the meantime, HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all.