Monday, 20 December 2010

Sun worshipper

I awake to find you
Creeping up my toes
Like a lover with desire
I yawn and stretch
And spread myself carelessly
Enjoying your embrace
The morning air, already warm
Fans my face softly and gently
I turn to face you
To give my full attention
I have to cover my eyes
Blinded by your brilliance.

I take a stroll to the water’s edge
Disrobe with a shrug
And slip into the calming waves
They lap at me like last nights dreams
I open my arms wide
I soak in the sensation
Of a million magic fingers
Sparkling with your light
Warmed by your heat
Reaching to my core
I float, float, float away.

I throw myself onto golden sands
Watch water beads evaporate
Steam rising off my skin
As you caress me with your rays
You, and your accomplice, the wind
Playfully soothing me into a gentle daze
Lulling me into a light slumber
I wake to find you disappearing
Over the horizon from whence you came
But I know it will not be long
Before you appear again
Creeping up my toes
Like an old lover
With Desire.

Thursday, 28 October 2010

You think you 've had love.......

You think you’ve had love
But you ain’t seen nothing yet
I got more love
Than I know what to do with
And all I yearn for
Is to give it to you
My heart’s desire
My secret longing
My hidden passion

You think you’ve had love
But you ain’t seen nothing yet
I got more love
Where that came from
I was raised in love
By love and for love
Soaked in its powers
Dazzled by its beauty
This is what I have t give

You think you’ve had love
But you ain’t seen nothing yet
I got the kind of love
That can make you go crazy
Make you go dizzy
Set you a- floating
Toes all a tingling
Make you go ahhh

You think you've had love
But you aint seen nothing yet
My love will hit you
With the force of a hurricane
Electrify like a lighning strike
Pour down like a thunderstorm
Shake hard like an earthquake
Heat up like the burining sun
I'll be your natural phenomenon

You think you’ve had love
But you ain’t seen nothing yet
I got the kind of love
That goes beyond Christmas
Welcomes in the new year
Slides straight past Easter
Still with you in summer
October, November, December

If you’d just give me a chance?

Friday, 1 October 2010

Independence Day

Don't you know they're talking about a celebration now
Sounds like a whisper
Don't you know they're talking about an election now
Sounds like a whisper

While we queue in our petrol lines
In an oil producing country
While we pray for electricity
And clean water just to soothe our brow
While we scramble for the scraps
That fall off the tables of the mighty

Don't you know they say we are 50 years old now
So why are we still crawling?
Don't you know they're talking about an election now
When we already know the winner

While we die on our potholed roads
Or murdered by our so called protectors
While outdated diseases find new lives
And our children lack for education 
While our hospitals are bereft of care
And our security is not guaranteed 

Don't you know they're talking about a celebration now
Sounds like an obscenity
Don't you know they're talking about an election now
Sounds like profanity

When are the good people going to rise up
And tell the truth
When are the good people going to rise up
And claim what's theirs

Saturday, 11 September 2010

What an outrage!!!!!

Like all good Muslims everywhere I am outraged by this man. Has he no sense of shame? No sense of decency? No sense of decorum? He has outraged the world. He has caused great consternation globally. The Internet is aflame with discussions and comments. The TV channels cannot get enough. The big question on everyone's mind is - will he or won't he? The whole world waits with baited breath to find out when he will shave off that ridiculous handlebar tache? This is 2010 for goodness sakes.

And as for burning the Koran? This is 2010 for goodness sake.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

In defence of the Nigerian Police Force

After listening to Iyawo's show this morning I felt it was time for one person to actually stand up and defend the much maligned NPF. Now to some this might be a sacrilege as the current perception of the said Force is of corrupt gun toting buffoons and hooligans. This is based on the fact that they are either putting on a ridiculous comedy act to acquire loose change from travellers at the nationwide "illegal" road blocks or they are resorting to more vigorous means in order to extort said loose change. This can sometime result in the untimely passing of an innocent member of the general public which is totally unacceptable.

However lets put things into perspective. Let's use another example of another group of public enemies - the 419ers,  Yahoo Yahoo boys or whatever other name they are called. There is a worldwide perception that "nigerians" are all involved in this trade. Therefore as long as you are a Nigerian you must be involved. In reality I doubt if out of the 140 million Nigerians today that there are up to 50000 Internet fraudsters. This is based on some loose facts. The reason I raise this is that for the same reason we cannot continue to brand the "whole of the NPF" as hooligans. There is perception and then there is reality and sometime the two do converse as seems to be the case here. 

True there is a hardcore element that has been allowed to get out of control basically because of weak leadership. Don't believe all that rubbish where the IGP says he has ordered his men to remove the roadblocks even as you are sitting in front of a roadblock. That is mere propoganda. No Policeman wakes up and goes to the station to report in and then disappears for the day with his rifle and four other similarly armed colleagues in a police vehicle without his stations manager's knowledge or approval. And the station manager's approval comes from the area manager who has the regional commander on his neck to provide a bag of N20 notes every day or else.

But even despite this is a clear majority of Policemen that have a pride in their uniform and their duty and go about it quietly and diligently. We never hear of these ones of course just as we never hear about the university students that only use their laptops for research and studies.

I do not hide the fact that I grew up in a Police family and I have seen both sides of the coin but it seems to me that we are getting to a tipping point where all Policemen are getting tarred with one brush. I know how it feels when I go abroad and the minute it is known I am Nigerian I can see the lightbulb flicker and the spotlight of 419 er pointing my way. It is not fair to me and it is not fair to them. 

I heard today that there had been another change of command. Good. For me the last IGP was extremely ineffective and did the view of the NPF no great favours by claiming he was not aware that Niyi Rubadu had been into the country for Gani's funeral despite the visit having made both TV and newspaper headlines. Hopefully the new one will instill a sense of pride, discipline and honour that has been slowly ebbing out of the force helped by unscrupulous leaders and politicians.

Long Live the NPF.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

On the radio.....

Catch me on the radio this Saturday 4th Oct. on the Smooth Book Review Show with Mandy Brown-Ojugbana reviewing two of my fave reads this year - "I do not come to you by chance" and "Harare North". The show is on at 10am on 98.1FM or you can catch it on the internet at and click on the listen live button.

Let me have your feedback and if you have not read these books then you definitely should.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

My father is slowly dying.

My father is slowly dying

he is shrinking away before my very eyes

every day he disappears a little further

takes up less space in the bed

his movement is now minimal

every breath ragged and painful

blind from diabetes

he lives in a world of darkness

but now he sees things

imagines things

remembers things

decade old memories jumbled

with things that happened yesterday

dead friends remembered

he struggles to finish his sentences

but the humour is still there

the sarcasm remains

amidst his shallow breathing and bed sores

even now he still makes us laugh. Out loud.

My father is slowly dying

he has been my hero all my life

I've spent a lifetime trying to please him

to win his love and affection

now he says he's always loved us

he asks us to stick together

he makes us promise to

look after the grandchildren

and his wife, our mother

he wants me to cut down on my exercising

his memory is obviously gone

I haven't exercised for 20 years

but I tell him no problem

I will start straight away.

My father is slowly dying

we gather round for his final words

he rambles here there and everywhere

words of wisdom mixed with nonsense

prayer mixed with odd unintelligible questions

I feel I'm looking in a mirror

sometime far into the future

we've always been too alike physically

so this is the fate that will befall me

sometime in the years ahead

I better get some joy from living

Squeeze some juices out of life

I try not to think of the near future

when his ragged breaths will cease

my sister has already cried river naija

being the eldest and a man

I have only cried a lake.

My father is slowly dying

his skin is stretched tightly across his bones

so tight it is almost translucent

shiny like it's been polished

I tell him that we love him

I tell him we will miss him

We wont know what to do without him

He has always been there for us

He smiles his secret smile

He has said his goodbyes

He'll be leaving soon

I wish him safe travels

He once told me that death was not an ending

but the beginning of another phase

for as we wave the dead adieu from this earth

so others stand at another shore

welcoming them home.

As you go into the dark night Father

please always remember

we love you now and always

and forever more.

And for those on the other shore

waiting patiently to welcome him

we hand him over grudgingly

please take care of him, this gentleman,

for he was truly gentle, and a man.

(p.s- he can be a bit cranky sometimes

but he means no harm.)

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Teacher's Pet.

From a very early age we all learn that there are some sacred cows (even though we do not know that this is what they are called at that stage). These are the pampered pooches that can do no wrong. In school, they probably had an older sibling who protected them, or their parent or relative was the Head or a teacher, under whose umbrella they were free to commit all sorts of dastardly deeds knowing full well there would be no repercussions.

In later life daddy, mummy or someone of influence at work gave them the leeway they needed to behave like the spoilt brats they are even though occasionally the odd warning look is thrown their way when they really overstep the bounds of decency. But nonetheless the bad habits and behaviour continue because dirty looks are akin to being beaten to death with a feather. Ineffective.

This is the case of the US and Israel – surely the most pampered terrorist nation on earth. How else can you explain the continuous crimes this nation commits and gets away with if not for the fact that they know that they will be fully protected from all sides by Big Brother. We had barely gotten over the blatant assassination of a guest in a hotel room (Hamas, Hummous whatever) using the forged passports of different nations (imagine the disdain for the sovereignty of these countries which included the UK) before we are now confronted with commandos boarding a humanitarian aid ship fully armed and murdering in cold blood between 10-19 human beings.

Notice how quickly the propaganda machine swung into action with videos showing “soldier being thrown overboard” or “soldier being beaten by metal pipes”. Sob, sob. I notice there was no caption of the soldier pointing his gun at protesters at head level and firing (something wrong with their kneecaps? If all you really wanted to do was subdue them?). As of now there is no report of a single Israeli commando being killed despite the claims that the “terrorists” on board (who are quickly and conveniently linked to every Islamic terror organisation) had guns, knives and other weapons (at least they were considerate enough not to tag the “of mass destruction” on to the end of it). There was even a picture of a soldier holding up a knife to the camera. Even back in my boy scout days we instinctively knew that when confronted with a machine gun toting commando who drops out of the sky in the dead of night, a Swiss army knife is as useful as a condom at a convent. No really, we did.

So now what from Israel? The usual platitudes and excuses. “We must protect our citizens, we must protect Israel, we are the most put upon nation on earth –even with our nuclear weapons, trained army, MOSSAD. Oh woe is us etc etc. We are so generous in that we allow tons of food to be delivered to Gaza every month so those pesky children don't die etc etc.” How much longer can this go on? Can Obama really allow it to go on? Can Europe? Can China?

Who wants to bet me that at then end of it all by next month it will all have blown over and teacher’s pet will be back under teacher’s bosom. Safe and sound. Until the next time.

Monday, 10 May 2010

I don't need nothing for my troubles now.

I don’t need nothing for my troubles now
Please tell my wife and her cabal
That only the Almighty Allah can decide
And now he’s come to claim my soul
Ask her for how much she sold my pride
My dignity and life besides

I don’t need nothing for my troubles now
I’ve laid my weary head to rest
The lies, the pain, the grand fa├žade
Please ask my wife if she did her best
To ease my pain and sooth my brow
Sneaking me back in the dead of night
As if I was a thief or louse
When it was best to let me be

I don’t need nothing for my troubles now
I hope you remember me for what I was
Before they turned me into a thing
Please don’t forgot for all I stood
Before I became a running joke
What I endured no one shall know
But now alas the end has come

I don’t need nothing for my troubles now
For in my lifetime I gave my all
To serve my home and motherland
To lead with quiet dignity and grace
But alas it was not meant to be
From ash we come and so return
I pray for Allah to rest my soul

I don’t need nothing for my troubles now
To those who rejoice at my demise
Tell them this fate befalls all men
There is still time to change their ways
To tell the truth, to face the facts
To all my children I bid farewell
My time has come and I go in peace
I did my best with what I had

I don’t need nothing for my troubles now
I don’t need nothing for my troubles now.

Sunday, 21 March 2010

The Power of Electricity and the Electricity of Power.

The Power of Electricity.
Oh how sweet it is. Oh what wonderful feeling. Oh what a wonderful day. I am filled with good spirits. I woke up this morning and stretched and yawned like the cat that got the full fat cream with sugar on top. What has led to this state of delirium. A very simple thing. But profound no less. We have had electricity almost constantly for the past two days. You might say to yourself "and so?". Well considering that in the past year we have been mostly reliant on generators and you can understand my sense of euphoria. Oh yes we have had occasional glimpses of that thing called light. But that has always been a tease. Never full current but that bastard child called low current that destroys your electrical items, barely illuminates a light bulb far less carry fans or air conditioners and also tends to set your house on fire (which is what happened to us).

But for some perverse reason we have been blessed for the last two days with "light". Let's not go overboard here. It is not the full current one would expect in a civilised country but hey, here it is Sunday morning and I can actually make toast for my breakfast. Off the National grid. NEPA. PHCN. Whatever.

Oh I am giddy with joy at this simple thing that in other places are taken for granted. I feel strangely normal. I want to wear some new clothes knowing I wont have sweated through them by the time I stepped out of the bedroom. I can connect to the internet without having to pollute the environment to do so. I can have a shower without silently poisoning my neighbours. I can send to the village for another wife (pending the consent of Iyawo although terms and conditions will apply) on the basis that she can move into a house with almost full current. Tell her people she will never suffer in darkness. Oh I am giddy with excitement. The possibilities. Maybe I will open a manufacturing plant in the backyard. Not sure what we will produce but what does it matter with all this electricity flowing through the house. Oh this Nigeria is a funny country. You sack the Minister for Power and the power supply improves.

The Electricity of Power.
All over the land in direct contrast to my giddiness there will be people who will feel like someone has switched off the lights. They who once were so illuminated and incandescent will now be standing in somewhat duller environments. These people are the recently sacked Ministers who will find that all of a sudden they are also running on half current. Not fully abandoned by friends and acquaintances, in the event that there is a recall on the cards, but certainly not awash with current. This is the way of the world.
From the minute the sackings were announced the crowds will have diminished, the noise abated, the convoy disappears, phones becomes silent, they become (almost) human again. Now they will find out their real worth. For some of them there will be no way back (thank goodness and good riddance). For some it will be like all their "intelligence" had disappeared as where once all they had to do was open their mouth to hold their audience in thrall they will now find out that when they speak now it is like they have gum disease. So it is with the electricity of power. Enjoy it while it lasts. Once it is switched off it's good night and beddy byes.

Friday, 5 March 2010

Looking for clues..

I was very touched last week by the story of the lady that was killed by the whale at Disneyland in Florida. I pondered on this tragedy for quite some time and wondered what could have been done to prevent it. I tried to look for some clues that would have given a hint as to the potential for this sort of tragedy. After much consideration I decided that I would have to put it down to the language we use and the way we use it to describe things.

So for example I tend to avoid vicious dogs. See how the language comes in handy there. Look at it again. Vicious dogs. Let's take another example - Serial killer. Another one to avoid at all costs. It's all there in the name. Oh how our forebears through the generations were so perceptive and accurate with these things. Ok another one. Extreme sports. See for me sport does not need to be extreme. I am more than happy with normal sports - like watching TV. If I want to be extreme about it then I get up to change the channels rather than using the remote -either the one with batteries or the ones that eat my food otherwise known as children.

So back to this poor lady and the killer whale. Spot the clues in that one. You spotted it straight away right? If you were meant to play and fondle the thing surely our forebears the Romans would have named it something like playful whale or tickle my tummy whale or such like. But killer whale? Which means they must have spotted something right? Maybe the first guy didn't but by the time the thing has eaten ten or twenty Romans someone would have stood up in the parliament and said something along the lines of "£$% this. I cannot take it anymore more. From this day forward that beast will no longer be referred to as Tinkerbell. I decree that henceforth it be referred to as a killer whale". Someone never told them at Disneyland.

Which brings me nicely to our Minister for Information who proudly and loudly announced last week that on a matter of national and even international importance - the status of the Yard man- she has no information. Nothing. Nada. So again I went back to the drawing board and banged my head on it. I took a long hard look at her title and pondered how it must feel to be a MOI without I. Is this the sort of thing you stand up in public to announce? Surely that would be reason enough to resign? Throw in the towel? How can you continue? Why not just keep quiet? Keep the lack of information to yourself? Unless you were grandstanding of course. Playing to the gallery. Sending the market women into raptures with your high moral standards and your superior intellect. Over and above the other members of the Cabinet. Meanwhile there are rumours of a major reshuffle in the Cabinet by the Acting President.

Anyone spot the clues there?

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Oh ye of little faith......

Oh you cynical blog readers. Coming here for your daily dose of cynicism and sarcasm in equal measures. Something I like to call cynisarcism as is the wont these days of using as few words as possible by joining two or even three words together. After all how else are we going to save the planet if we cannot even save on the amount of words we use?
Anyway, Yardy drops out of the sky into the arms of the Nigerian army and a specially fitted ambulance and is shipped off to Aso Rock to take his rightful place. In the specially built ICU. Meanwhile, you will recall that at exactly the same time as he was leaving Saudi a delegation of erstwhile Ministers were on their way to check on his progress, say hey to the King and do some shopping. All facilitated by the Nigerian Ambassador. So its obvious that nobody is actually being kept in the loop on this. Even Goodluck was in the dark apparently (well after all Yardy did land at 2.30am and I would expect JG to have been tucked up in bed with his Winnie the Pooh bear and the formidable Mrs JG).

Now this is the master stroke and for you aspiring politicos this is where you need to get your notebook out. Mrs Yard then issues a statement (let's not even fool ourselves that Mr Yard would have had enough breath to dictate that long thing) thanking all and sundry and making special mention especially of all those who had stabbed her/him in the back. For example - the Governors. Now let's imagine how many Governors slept peacefully in their girlfriends bed's overnight after that statement. Not many I would imagine. It was a declaration of war. Pure and simple. This Turai should be sent to the US to help Obama sort out those minor skirmishes in Iraq, Iran,Israel, Afghanistan etc. The woman is something else. I've heard of stand by your man but this is a whole new level. Stand for your man.
So we all wait with bated breath for the next chapter. Does JG cave in at the first opportunity and hand back the baton? Do the Governor's do a quick u -turn and say they were quoted out of context? Does Dora suddenly reveal that the memo was forged and somebody else had signed in her name? Does the AG fly back in from the Carnival in Brazil with a couple of beauties on his arm challenging his demotion? Oh the intrigue of it all!!

Meanwhile, back at the ICU our man lies quietly, oblivious to all the Africa Magic going on around him with a serene smile on his face and a slight dribble from his lips. Every once in a while he is heard to murmur "OBJ walahi". So now that he's back Turai's next move will be to gather all the Alfas together to create a powerful prayer to help bring her man back into a sitting position (at the FEC for example). If the Alfas fail then Chris Okotie, Benny Hinn and other such miracle workers are already setup on speed dial.

Oh ye of little faith. Believe o. This is Nigeria. Anything can happen.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

The road to nowhere…….Desert Storm Pt2.

My morning routine is very simple. Wake up. Do abolutions. Pray. Kids off to school. Watch Sky News. Settle down to work. I find this the easiest way to fend off insanity in Nigeria. Luckily I mostly work from home so I do not have to face any of the madness outside the gates…..traffic, noise pollution, aggression, fighting, death etc. No. At home I am sheltered in cosy comfort from the “Real World Lagos” – that never ending reality series – although one must not forget the lunatics called house help who do their best to bring the outside world in.

Typical exchange:
Guard – Oga diesel has finished
Me- finished finished or just finished?
Mallam – finished finish
Me- why didn’t you tell me it was finishing
Mallam- because I was waiting for it to finish and now it has finished finish. Walahi.

The other thing I also manage to avoid by hiding away at home is the newspapers and their various headlines. Unfortunately today I had an appointment which meant going out. Oh the gnashing of teeth, the sweaty palms, choking back of tears (and this was just my driver as I had decided to take the wheel. These incidents never end in a good way but a post on that later). After spending over 30minutes sitting very still on Admiralty Way (the traffic was so bad that people were actually coming out of their cars and sitting on the bonnet – as I understand often happens on the mainland and other deprived areas….. just a joke now. Cool down.)

And so it was that I had the misfortune to be trapped with nothing to do and hence fall easy prey to the newspaper boys. The headline in one read Ambassador : Doctors barring people from seeing Yar Adua. Ministerial team finally departs. Now see what is happening here. Read it again. To translate for you basically what this paper and several others are saying is that another team of Ministers will be spending your hard earned (cough) tax money to travel to Saudi Arabia not to see the ailing Presido - The Yard himself. As in no chance in Turai that they will get within a mile of the man. Not one jot. No way. No how. On this basis some smarter people than me, that can speak Latin and such, would say that this was therefore a travel in futility. Ipso Facto (that’s all the Latin I know) a waste of time and money. A road to nowhere. A journey into the known.

But you smarty pants are not as smart as these Ministers because it turns out that their tax payer funded shopping trip is not actually for the purpose of seeing Yardy at all. No, it is to go and say thank you to the King of Saudi for looking after him so well (I am therefore assuming the Saudis will be writing off the multi million dollar tab for his long stay hence the need for gratitude?) since his unfortunate illness. So there. Oh you people and your negative thinking. Get over yourselves. As if we did not know that we couldn't see Yardy. Of course we know that. We are going to see the King. Soon and very soon. Far be it for me to mention that we could have probably built a world class modern hospital with the amount of money spent shuttling back and forth to see a ghost.

How long this farce will continue God only knows. I mean this is not the first or second set of appointed delegates to make the journey out into the Saudi desert and come back with nothing but gold trinkets, lace and other banned goods. I suspect though that this is just the beginning. I envisage a day when all Nigerian citizens will be required to go out to Saudi Arabia to see for themselves (after all the Ministers and other despots obviously) the way things are going. We might even have to break into the hospital, force our way in past security, protocol and the most sophisticated defense mechanism we have ever seen –Turai the Tiger. It will be a case of Desert Storm 2. After all if Yardy won’t come to AIT then…….

Friday, 19 February 2010

HiTech. Low value. SOS

So I live in Lekki. And to some the very word conjures up pictures of massive villas with swimming pools and tennis courts. These people have obviously never been there. Yes there might be a few such carbuncles but mostly it is full of middle class people trying to earn a daily crust. I can't say an "honest" daily crust of course because this is Nigeria and some people might be offended to be addressed in such a manner. But we are all trying to earn our daily crust.

Unfortunately in Nigeria no matter how much you try to earn your daily crust with as much dignity and honour as possible invariably some fools will step in and ruin it for you - be it PHCN, Tax collectors, Water company, Resident's association etc. When all you want is to wake up in the morning, go to work, do a good day's job (ok, ok - just go to work) and then come home and rest your weary head on your beloved's bosom (assuming your wife is not around) (it's just a joke..Please!!!) invariably you will be frustrated (no pun intended) in this simple routine of daily life.

For the past two and a half years the thorn in our well padded side has been a company called HiTech. It is funny how these companies always pick names that are a total opposite of what they really are. So anyway HiTech has been charged to build a road from law school in VI to somewhere way out into places that have no interest for me - that is beyond VGC. In corporate lingo they have won the bid for the concession to build the Lekki-Epe expressway. Whatever.

What interests me however is the bit of road between Lekki Phase 1 and ExxonMobil. (Yes I am Nigerian and yes I am selfish and parochial. And so?) A stretch of say one mile. Pardon me if I am wrong but geography was never my strong suit. All that stuff about north,south, east and west when really all you need to know is - is it close to Tantaliser? Which side is Zenith bank? Is there one yellow woman like this selling recharge cards on the corner? Based on these non scientific identifiers I have managed to survive to a rope old age but I digress.

Now having moved back to Nigeria two years ago I had thought that by now this small stretch of roadworks would be complete by now bearing in mind that they had started even before I moved back, but no, the torture continues. So daily life for us lucky ones in Lekki Phase 1 is like this. Wake up really early, sit in traffic for about one hour just to join the traffic on the main Lekki Expressway. Sit in Lekki Expressway traffic for another hour by this time irritable, irrational and prone to occasional bouts of fisticuffs and gesticulations to all and sundry. Arrive at destination emotionally ragged and raining curses on all those involved in building this god forsaken road. The trip I describe above is just the one my girls go through every morning to get to school. A fifteen minute drive turns into a two hour ordeal. They have a friend who lives in somewhere called Ajah who has to leave home at 530am to get to school. Then repeat the whole thing in the evening. This has been going on for TWO YEARS. Haba wetin?

So can someone explain to me the objective of this badly managed fiasco? Where is the Project plan? Who is the Project Manager? Every time the road is covered in tarmac and we take a deep breath we are invariably met a month later by tractors digging up the very same stretch again. Almost like someone wakes up one morning and says - guys, you know I think we forgot to put in the drains? Or guys remember all those black cables we dug up last month apparently they are for telecoms services and no one in Lekki has been able to make a call since. We better dig up the road and bury it back pronto. Or L arry did you ever find that Timex watch you lost? I have a funny feeling it is buried under the road. Let's have a looksie shall we?

To make things even worse the company then takes out an ad in the paper a couple of days ago putting the blame for the fiasco on everyone else but themselves. They blame Lagos State, the Police, LASTMA and everyone else for failing to hold up their end of the bargain. I may not be good at Geography but I do recall a saying I learned back at school that says only a crap tradesman blames his tools. O.r others. For a crap job

The heartache caused by this fiasco on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. Forget about making plans. For where? Fixed time appointments. No way. "Rushing out" to get something. Dream on. The worst part is that the fear of getting stuck in the traffic is so high now that we just prefer to stay at home. Which leaves us at the mercy of PHCN, the Water company, the tax collector and every other crackpot and shaman peddling their wares.

So welcome to the HiLife. HiTech? Indeed.

Thursday, 18 February 2010


Above are two pictures. One is of a cartoon character with wild eyes, a crazed look, penchant for lecturing and a fervent zeal to educate the masses. The other is of course Dora the Explorer – a popular TV show for children.

I have been amazed over the past few weeks about the number of articles (planted??) in newspapers and magazines praising our erstwhile Minister for (Dis) (Un) (No) (Wrong) – take your pick – Information with regards the memo she wrote asking for support to oust Yardy and get Goodluck enshrined.

Apparently after a whole two months and more she woke up one morning with her conscience pricking her to make a stand. Hence her “inspired” memo. She has been called a voice a reason, a true citizen, an ambassador for truth and other such rubbish that we Nigerians are prone to throw at any elected person who actually does anything remotely connected to their job.

Well here is my view. I reckon that Aunty D. got inside info that Yardy would not be returning in exactly the same format in which he had left the country. He left the country in VHS format and will be returning in Beta. i.e. old, outdated, gone. Being Minister of Info I suspect she was actually given this info or tipped off in one way or another. This I feel was the fuel that ignited her conscience and fired her up to her act of unrivalled bravery.

For me the day she delivered the memo was the day I knew that Yardy was a goner from this mortal coil because you see there is no way Aunty D. would have dared step out of line if there was a chance in Sokoto that Yardy would return. Remember she has been on every single leaked list of Ministers for the chop whilst he was still of full cranial functions. So getting the news that he had ceased to be so Presidential in demeanour she quickly hatched her plan to get into Uncle Goodluck’s good books. She is obviously more than a pretty face our Aunty D.

My mole tells me that not long too long after the memo Aunty paid one of those courtesy visits, so beloved of the favour seeking, to Uncle G to commiserate with him on his time in limbo and to assure him that all would be well and the of course she would be standing shoulder to shoulder with him through thick and thin (and his first cabinet reshuffle) once he got himself in the driver’s seat. She also offered to make him a special stew from her part of the country. I understand he politely declined both offers. He has already won me over.

To top it all off she then had to deal with a jolt from the king of darkness himself - our former Attorney General who seemed to imply that all had not been tickidy boo at NAFDAC whist she was in charge. Ouch that must have hurt. To have someone with whom snakes and other belly crawling reptiles are loathe to be compared to cast aspersions on your name and character?
Well how low can you go? This game of politics is definitely not for toddlers. Is it Aunty?

Friday, 12 February 2010

Happy New Year.

Yes you read right. Happy new year. What's the problem? So it is February. And so? What's your own? Are the Chinese not doing new year next week? So it's only Yardy that can "be away" for 80 days? Ah beg Happy New Year jo. From today. It's official. Go and check it. Not just in any almanac. Go and check the procrastinator's handbook for successful living. First Edition. (Second Edition has been delayed for some time). It is right there. Happy new year can be any day you want. Just not today. Tomorrow. Seriously. Go and check it. Obviously not straight away. Tomorrow or possibly the day after. What's the rush? Don't stress yourself.

So five months just passed like that and I was sitting there thinking " I really must update my blog". This country is leaderless. They need someone to guide this great ship away from the rocks of Akinyuli. Toks you must rise to the occassion. Anyday now. Aaaany minute. You really must. No. You must get to it straight away. Now, now. Immediately. Definitely. With urgency. Ok tomorrow then. Latest. Walahi.

So you see? And here I am. I did it. Happy New Year.