Friday
I woke up this morning at 4.30 am as I had to catch the 7am Virgin flight to Lagos. I started off the morning with a prayer at the journey I was about to undertake. No not the flight. The drive from the hotel to the airport in pitch blackness. I was fighting off all the horror stories I had heard about early morning jackings as I made my way to reception. Having phoned earlier to say I was leaving so please get my bill ready I was somewhat disappointed to get to reception to have to repeat same. It was not like there was a queue of people checking out. Fifteen minutes and a search for a pen (there seems to be a general scarcity of pens in Nigerian hotel receptions. Maybe we should start a charity collection?) later I was on my way.

The first mile was pretty grim as I could sense that even the driver was a bit uptight. What with him driving like a bat out of hell and taking corners at speed. But Allah is great and my prayers were about to be answered, because what did I spy up ahead but a bevy of plashing lights with a police escort front and rear. This could only mean one thing. Convoy. And so it was that we quickly joined them flashing lights and all weaving our way to the airport. Now I have seen many convoys in my time and I have even been party to a few but this one was absolutely massive. There must have been a good twenty to twenty five cars in the convoy. Luxury cars oh. At the rear were two Hilux open backed vans that were blocking both lanes to stop any overtaking. Many tried and got the customary finger of warning which I am sure would have been following by a warning shot. Right through the tire or windscreen. I have seen it happen oh.

So we all arrived at the international airport and I waited to see who my benefactor was. But I could not put a name to the face but it must have been a VIP. I could tell by the pot belly (I myself am often mistaken for a VIP but I am sure it is just the way I carry myself).

Smooth check in, takeoff and landing. I mention this because recently Virgin Nigeria has started to er, phuck up, as my cousin would say. On my way to Abuja earlier this week our 1pm flight took off at 1.35. This was hardly surprising as the Pilot or Co Pilot actually walked on to the plane at 1.15. I kid you not.

Before I close the chapter on Abuja two funny stories. As a man about town it is of course imperative that I always look my best. It was with this in mind that I phoned the Hotel guest services to enquire about a barbershop. Yes they had one and I could also get a manicure and pedicure. So off I went. I arrived and was duly seated by the barber who immediately claimed that for sure he had seen me many times before. Was I not a regular at the gym next door (my physique always makes people ask me this question :->). No I replied. Oga, you get broda? Coz this man na like ya double”. No I do not have a brother. What is the man’s name sef? Chidi, one Ibo man like this. Again, I don’t know what it is but people always assume I am Ibo. Every single time.

Anyway after we had established that I was in no way related to Chidi, Charles, Francis, Monday or Celestine or anybody else he knew, the show began. At times like this my mind tends to drift whilst the work is done and so it was that I was wondering how much longer Halle Berry was going to waste time with that yeye Oyinbo man to punish me when I found two fingers jammed in my nostrils and my head jerked back. A second later there were callipers in my nostrils!!! As in this bobo was barbing my nose hairs. Before I could even come to my senses to ask wth??? He was finished. “What is that one now?” I asked him. “Oh did you not want your nose shaved?” “Err no. I came in for a hair cut. Oga but it is all part of the service now. No be say I go charge you extra”. Hmm. Aren’t I the lucky one. He then has the audacity to ask me if I want to have a shave to which I bluntly reply. Hell no.

To finish off the job he then asks if I would like a warm towel for my head after the cut. This sounds rather nice so I agree. I then watch him as he goes to the sink with a towel (it is clean, which is a good sign). He turns on the tap and I see that the water is boiling hot. He then soaks the towel and he squeezes out excess water. He then starts coming towards me juggling the towel from one hand to the next being as it is so frigging hot. Naturally he then attempts to slap this on my newly shaved head. Needless to say I hurriedly made my excuses and left. Oloshi.

So last night I went to the Hilton for dinner with a Client. After dinner I was wondering through the lobby when I saw a small suitcase for sale. As I have been trying to get something light for my Lagos-Abuja shuttles I decided to ask the price. The chap came over when he saw me staring at it and I asked him the price. He then said that actually it was part of a set that also included a briefcase. Okay. I could also do with a new briefcase. "Oya, how much?". Looking me straight in the eye he replied "Oga, it is only N500,000." You read right. FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND NAIRA FOR A SMALL SUITCASE AND BRIEFCASE. I think he himself was then embarrassed as he stared at the floor, the ceiling, over my shoulder and every where else but my wide open mouth in which any minute now mosquitoes would start landing. "But Oga why are you looking at me like that now? After all this is nothing for a big boy like you?" Two thousand pounds? Almost Four thousand dollars for a suitcase and a briefcase?. Big boy ko. didirin ni. The sad part is that I am sure that by next next trip some local government official of some state where they neither have roads, electricity or running water would have picked it up. So is life in Naija. On to Lagos

I have arrived back in my hotel in VI and need a car hire. All the cars are booked. However a driver I used on my last trip has seen me arrive and corners me in reception. He greets me. Asks about my health, my family, my trip, my well being, my liver, my colon and every other thing he could think of. He then wishes me happy new year like four thousand times. I still refuse to take the hint. Finally he gets the hint and pushes off. I have only been back an hour.

Saturday.
Today my cousin is getting married. I understand that the reception venue is going to be in close proximity to the PDP Lagos convention where the new, and very reluctant President select, is going to be unveiled to his many (paid in advance) fans. This will invariably lead to the area boys crashing the area and the other area boys in uniform i.e. the Police cracking some skulls. All in all it should be a great ceremony. The wedding that is. If only I had a camera.