A matter of life and death in Abuja

So just go back from Abuja today. Went there yesterday for a conference and decided to stay somewhere different. I tell a lie. I knew that my chances of getting a room at Hilton or Sheraton was zilch. This is how I ended up at the Rockview Hotel. I had stayed there last year and had found it to be comfortable, good value for money etc, etc. The chap at the front desk said that they had no rooms but they had a suite available which could be mine for the right price (for him). After we exchanged banter for a few minutes, we then exchanged “handshakes” and the suite was mine. People let me tell you say that now I know why those politicians never want to leave power.

This suite was massive. I mean I travel a lot but have yet to come across something of this size oh. In it were, two TVs, DVD player, surround sound system, CD player, 2 fridges, 2 bathrooms, a four piece dining suite, a three piece leather living room suite, a king size bed and a PC. Literally thirty seconds after getting into the room I heard a ringing noise. So JJC that I am na him I begin carry phone for living room (still ringing noise), bathroom (still there) , bedroom (nope still ringing) until I realised that it was actually the doorbell. Yep. There is a doorbell. It actually makes sense now that I think about it because if you were in the main bedroom or the master bathroom you would never hear someone knocking.

Anyways, lo and behold there was a guy there telling me he had come for the turn down service. I told him “Oga look I have just entered oh, there is nothing for you to turn down, turn up or turn over so you better turn around and go back where you came from”. The man then started to pull a tray from the trolley he was pushing. I now asked him “Oga wetin be that?. I no order room service oh”. “Oh this is complimentary” he replies. “Compli wetin?. Are you sure? I no go pay if it appear for my bill tomorrow”. So by now he has deduced that I am not a politician or a man of dishonest means. He can sense that I am not used to the finer things in life. So with pity he then explains that all the guests in suites get the same thing. So what was the compliment. Well, a bottle of beer, bottle of malt, bottle of sprite, bottle of water (large), a carton of juice and some very chunky very cold pieces of watermelon, pineapple and paw paw. Man, I was all over the fruit like Chelsea on Spurs! The fruit tasted out of this world. People, if Halle Berry (Iyawo keeps warning me about this woman but I won’t listen sha) herself had been rubbing me down with baby oil I could not have felt better (obviously only one way to find out). Kilode? Eminikan tan?

So imagine that I am in one of the discounted suites and getting all this. Imagine what the people in the Presidential suite get. So now I fully understand what he meant when Baba said that these elections were a matter of life and death. Me sef don ready to die for my country oh.

Some pointers in case you do want to stay at the Rockview. Make sure you specify the new one (there are two). Do not try and pay with credit cards (90minutes to check out) and whatever you do, do not send your clothes to the laundry room to be ironed unless you do so two days in advance (otherwise take an iron with you). You have been warned.

Next time - the Presidential and Local primaries. Oh what fun. Lots to tell.