Ciao Bella - Dateline Milan.

So we are back from our trip to Milan. Myself, ED(elder daughter) and MD (surely you can work that one out) flew out on Sunday and came back on Tuesday. As it was half term it was a good opportunity to expose them to the culture, the history, the architecture and oh the joys of easyjet.

The last time I was in Italy must have been at least 20 years ago enroute to Nigeria. On that occasion we were escorted off the plane by heavily armed, unsmiling Italian cops and on to the plane to Nigeria. God only knows how they would have greeted us if we actually deigned to enter their country. But you see, if you pay peanuts for your ticket you should expect to be treated like monkeys. Abi no be so?

So as this was going to be a business trip my company had booked me on a BA flight at the right royal price of £450. Now normally I would have arrived at the airport and duly parked my carcass in whatever seat I was assigned after all wetin be my own? But as I was planning to take the above mentioned two with me this would have relived my bank account of £900. Of course I can afford it – jo ma bami she re oh , actually it is chump change (gulp) but still the principle just did not sit right with my spirit (or credit card). So on to the internet.

After much searching I found BA flights on a different day for £42 each way. So again I scratch my head and think how can BA charge my company £450 for me to travel on Saturday but £84 if I go sometime during the week. This one na craze oh! Anyway between looking at the price and managing to close my mouth the ticket had disappeared and it was back to “normal” pricing. After much faffing about I landed on easyjet. Now I have flown with them before and consider them the molue of the skies but at £100 including taxes this was one molue I was prepared to enter. (p.s- always spend the extra £10 to book speedy boarding on easyjet. It is like their priority boarding and well worth it unless you are a very good runner).

Now my attention to detail is not my strongest point and so it was that the night before as I was booking a taxi to take us to Luton airport for the flight that I accidentally glanced at the booking only to notice that the flight was actually taking off from Gatwick. Gatwick?? Since when did they allow this bolekaja airline to fly from Gatwick? How come nobody told me?. From my house Gatwick was like Jerusalem. And I had booked the first flight at 7am in the morning so no chance of taking the train either. Damn. I rang the cab company back and was quoted £120 for the ride to Gatwick. Well you win some, you lose some. 5am pickup it is.

We are duly picked up on time by a cabbie who obviously required more sleep than he had had the previous night. Bobo was already straddling two lanes before we even hit the motorway. Then I noticed him popping something into his mouth which I assume to be those Nodoz thingys. Anyway between lots of prayer, cranking up the radio and “accidentally” leaving my window open we managed to get ourselves to the airport on time - to be met by the longest queue I have ever seen. In true bolokaja fashion what easyjet do is load everyone into one queue regardless of where you are going and then they take people out of the queue as the closing time for their flight approaches. Luckily for us we were called up within 10 minutes. For some it looked like time was going to be standing still for a while.

Through security, and on to the boarding gate to be met by a whole gaggle of students and their parents going on skiing holiday in Italy. These ajebutter people sef. Is there not a ski slope in Milton Keynes? And I am damned sure that there is one in Essex! When I’m feeling fragile the last thing I need is to be surrounded by other people’s kids. And not a Starbucks in sight. Luckily this is where the £10 for the speedy pass came in handy as we were the first to board. So we got to pick out our own seats (on the wing, always the safest bet). The people in naija that complain about travelling from the local airport have obviously never travelled with easyjet. See once the speedy boarders are seated then the gates are opened and it is then every man and woman for themselves. You should see the running and pushing. You should see the people limbering up in the lounge getting ready for the mad dash to the plane. You should see them eyeing each other up and thinking “yo lardarse forget it, I’m getting that window seat. I’ve been training for this flight for months”. This one na civilisation?

On board and settled. Try to wipe smug grin off face as red faced and sweaty Oyinbos struggle past me giving me dirty looks as in “how come this bobo managed to be boarded first?” SSShio, Olodo if you had read the instructions on the website properly you too could have been sitting here campe but for now I beg carry ya sweaty body down a few more rows. You are blocking my Karma and oxygen. "Oya waitress where is the bucks fizz? Oh it’s not that kind of flight? What’s that you say? I need to pay for my tea and coffee? Packet of peanuts for a pound? Are you trying to make a monkey out of me?.” It’s going to be a long two hours.

To be continued.