The MANAGEMENT (hence the picture)

Iyawo wakes me up from a restless slumber with the dreaded words no one wants to hear when they are several thousand miles away “ there is a leak coming from the wall outside the kitchen”. Those who know me know that minor irritations or house stuff like this is not my forte. (I sleep through potential armed robberies remember?) .

Immediately my mind springs into action despite lack of sleep ( I am currently in the hottest hotel in the western universe. Even with the window open I swelter through the night.). So you will please excuse the first question that springs out of my mouth. “Has it been raining?”. Silence. Duh. Of course if it had been raining the whole wall would be wet abi no be so? Look I said I was tired and half asleep when she rang and I am smart in other ways otherwise she would leave me.

We then went through a more sensible list of possibilities and ended up deciding that we needed to get the plumber in. Yesterday it was the gate that refused to open or close hence voiding the whole security thing (note to readers – I do not feel great to be abroad knowing that the only defence between my family and danger is MOE.) The day before that it was the generator.

This leads me on to the real subject of today’s blog. Daily life in Naija is hard oh (note to Anonymous – this is an observation rather than a complaint so down your pen jo). Day after day is filled with MANAGEMENT. Here is a short list of the things that you need to watch and manage just inside your house. There is a whole other list for outside:

Power surges which make your light bulbs go ping and sometimes set fire to your house.
Low current – which makes everything dull, drives your stabiliser wild and eventually fries your Plasma screen and melts all the ice cream in the fridge (screw the goat meat darling just save the Ben & Jerrys).
Generator issues – when you are using something that is built for casual use and backup almost on a constant basis you should expect problems. Every few days.
Diesel – to go and buy or get it delivered? If delivered how do you know the meeting is working? Who keeps an eye on the delivery? What if they just pump air into the tank? When it was empty the first time they came to fill it and it took 160 litres. I recently received a bill showing fillings of 185 and 190 litres. I wonder where they put the extra?
Water issues – ours comes out a lovely brown from the tap – if it comes at all. Lovely for the skin if you don’t mind the smell.
Aircons – it is so bloody hot they have to be left on all the time- end result constant service or replacement. Or swelter. Again great for the skin if you don’t mind the migraines.
Security – who is keeping an eye on things whilst the boys are asleep? Wait a minute, where are the boys?
Staff – I am sure that I left N10k on the dressing table but now there is only N9k or am I just going mad?
Driver – someone has moved this seat? Is he using the car for kabu kabu when he is on is own? Why is the petrol tank empty again?
Iyawo – why is she phoning me at 8am in London to tell me there is a leak in the house in Lagos?

It is damned exhausting keeping up I tell you. I have more mechanics, engineers and workmen on my phone list than friends. Day after day they arrive to fix this, sort that, replace this, manage manage that. With each visit Naira flows.

I remember the good old days in blighty of direct debits to pay for it all and comprehensive maintenance cover. British Gas ? It would appear the boiler is not working. Tomorrow?. My good man I fear that is not good enough. I am not prepared to let my children freeze. You will come today or else. Or else what? Or else I will have to wait till tomorrow innit?

When is someone going to start this in Naija.? We need it oh.