Under normal circumstances.

Yesterday and today have been a bit surreal what with driving through the near empty streets of Lagos. At once happy at the lack of the usual traffic stresses and strains but tinted by the sadness of the fact that it had to come to this.

Today I made the fatal error of going to Lekki second roundabout to pick up something only to get stuck in the mother of all traffic jams. It was caused by the poor souls queuing for petrol who having queued in the usual Naija style i.e. not in a line but side by side not only blocked off the three lanes on their side of the expressway but then meandered across the sandy central divide and proceeded to block all three lanes of the incoming expressway as well. Oh what fun we had sitting in the sweltering heat. These sort of thing gives one time to ponder -what planet are these people from? Is there a logical reason or anywhere in the world where you would decide without a second thought that it was okay to block oncoming traffic, on an expressway,just because you could not be arsed to queue properly?

We were eventually saved by the might of the highly unpopular boys of the Nigerian Police Force. I say boys because when I first saw them marching purposefully towards the head of the traffic I thought to myself - these chaps look very young. However they soon made swift work of totally clearing at least a single lane on either side. and we were on our way. r not quite. I was surprised bit not shocked to see a transport lorry drive past into which they all scrambled and headed off leaving those still stuck behind to their own devices. Under normal circumstances you would have expected them to hang around to ensure that all the traffic was cleared. No?

Yesterday feeling famished I stopped off at a local fast food place in Lekki Phase 1 to grab a bite to eat. I queued about a foot behind the chap in front of me and waited for his order to be dispenses. Behind me walked in two ladies. One walked around the chap to the edge of the counter and tried to get the attention of the lady serving. The other first stood to his side and then somehow inserted herself between him and me- literally and figuratively stepping on my toes. I did not say a word and waited for the chap in front to finish getting served.

The lady who has inserted herself then moved up to the counter and started to order. The waitress then pointed out that I was next in line (good girl). The lady then turned around and eyed me like she was seeing me for the first time. "Him?" she asked. "Yes me" I responded. "Was I invisible to you before?". Her response "why are you disgracing yourself?" "aren't I allowing you to order?" See me see trouble oh. What I wanted to say was "you better step back before I bxxxx slap you into next Wednesday" but being the English gentleman that I am I just headbutted her instead (just kidding). I actually said "Madam there is no need for us to argue. Have a lovely evening". God the restriant however the resettlement might not go as smoothly as I had imagined. It is one thing to get aggro from area boys but aggro from area girls?

Standing at the counter at the Virgin desk at the Hilton on Monday checking on flights back to Lagos as I did not want to get stuck in Abuja should the threatened strike commence on Tuesday. I had arrived that morning meaning to stay for two days but was nervous about that extending into a long weekend - in hindsight it was a good move on my part. Anyway I asked to be booked on the last flight that would be leaving at 7.45pm that evening. After a few minutes I could sense that the agent was flustered. "I cannot close the booking" she told her friend. Is it the last flight? another agent asked. "If it is then it has been cancelled." Why cancelled?" I asked. We don't think there will be enough fuel to get it back to Lagos he replied. So I got on my soapbox and made the following speech " Are you telling me that due to an imminent strike that has not yet even been confirmed you are saying that Virgin Airlines is already running short of fuel? Under normal circumstances (see it all started on Monday with that phrase) I would expect a reputable "world class" airline like Virgin to have a fuel dump\depot storage where you would have at least a week\month's supply of fuel in case of emergencies and in times like this". One of the girls looks up at me with pity in her eyes and says do you not know you are in Nigeria? There are no normal circumstances here. I had to settle for a Tuesday flight.

Virgin got their revenge by putting me on a plane I am sure was piloted by a trainee. I have always wondered why the following announcements are never made on board airlines. "Welcome on board ladies and gentlemen. Relax and enjoy the services of XXX Air. My name is Bob, your Pilot. This is my first flight since graduating from flight school. Do not let the fact that I am a trainee or that I was bottom of my class disturb you in any way as I am ably assisted by co-Pilot Jim who has vast experience of flying having repeated the course four times. So sit back and relax and I will be hopefully speaking to you again after hopefully taking off safely".

We were thrown all over the sky and once almost out of the sky. The plane danced around with such force that it was as if it was actually being manipulated by a hidden puppet master. It got so bad that we had the usual holding of breath, screaming and the strong silent ones who just kept checking their watches and calculating how much of the 55 minutes was left. Under normal circumstances you would expect an announcement after the drama was over but .....ah well you know the drill by now.

Monday morning I was at a meeting with a Telco in Abuja which as usual was in half darkness and littered with the ex civil servants who are still employed there in various states of slumber. Some had gone past the state of slumber, given up any pretense of work and were in deep sleep. I was walking towards the room of one of the Directors when I heard someone trying to get my attention. Adjusting my eyes to the gloom I managed to make out a man approaching me. "Sir, I hope I do not embarrass you with what I have to say as I mean no offence and under normal circumstances I would not be in this position. However my wife is currently in hospital and I do not even have the transport money to go and see her let alone pay for her treatment. Is there any way you can help me?" I fished out some money from my pocket all the while wondering how a nation with such a wide abundance of natural resources could not provide any relief for the common man. A common man who had to sacrifice his dignity at the feet of strangers.

Oil has been discovered off the coast of Ghana. I mean big oil. Huge reserves. Their President has said he looks forward to the economic changes that the revenues from this discovery will bring. Somehow this makes me very sad. I like Ghana and Ghanaians. They are nice, happy, humble people. They drive on the proper side of the road. They queue. they very rarely pay social visits in the middle of the night armed with guns. I dread what is to come. How long before the first Hummers hit the streets?

I also wonder what the impact of this find will be for Nigeria. I was speaking to a contact at Shell following the announcement that Shell is cutting their workforce in Nigeria. Why the cuts? He tells me that three years ago Shell was pumping 1 million barrels but now they are lucky to pump 200,000. So I imagine that if all the oil companies continue to have problems in the Delta I wonder how long before they decide that it is just not worth it anymore. What is the tipping point? When do you decide to make do with less but constant and safe in Ghana versus more but dangerous and deadly in Nigeria? Does Nigeria have a plan for when the oil runs out? Under normal circumstances you would think so. But then.............

I would like to end with a joke. When I arrived in Abuja I saw a sign that Nigeria was bidding to host the Commonwealth Games. Here's the joke. Imagine the headlines on CNN. Nigeria bids to host Commonwealth Games. Denies rumours that winners of all key competitions have already been decided and notified. Boom and Boom.

Off to London tomorrow and under normal circumstances how was your week?