KAKA. COOKOO!

I have a very good sense of humour. People always say to me that I should have been a comedian (as they hand me my letter of termination). Some even call me a joker. I also love football. With a passion. I mean even the title of this blog suggests that. But even with these attributes I was still caught offside (see what I did there?) when my friend rang me to say that he had heard that Manchester City was prepared to pay £100m transfer fee for a player (one player) and on top of this they would make sure that he did not dig too deeply into his overdraft by dropping a cool quarter of a million pounds every week into his bank account. Oh how I laughed at my friend. Being an Arsenal supporter he is used to being laughed at but he is laughing last. And loudest. And longest.

It would appear that in these days of the credit crunch , the cookie crumbling, the cake down to crumbs that somewhere in this global village of ours there are still what can only be described as muppets. One hundred million pounds for a football player or any other athlete for that matter is a ridiculously staggering amount and the fact that it is for a player for Manchester City who not too long ago were looking into the abyss of the exit door of the Premiership (and maybe they still are) just beggars belief. This amount would keep the first division happy for at least two full seasons and yet they are prepared to spend it on one player?

The worst part of it is listening to Mark Hughes, the Manchester City manager, who one would have thought would be the voice of reason based on his background trying to justify it. With a straight face!! I mean how much did he spend on Robinho? £35m? And the impact he has had? Are they challenging the top 4? No. Are they vying to play in Europe? No. Are they playing like the same old Manchester City that we know and love. Oh yes. So let me get this straight. If a £35m player cannot make a difference then of course one should spend an even more ridiculous sum of money on another one. And if that fails then hmmmm let me think.

This bring to mind the story of NIGCOMSAT. The Nigerian Communications Satellite that was launched last year with help from our friends the Chinese for a ridiculous sum of money just over $250m. Said satellite after twisting in orbit for just over a year then gave up the ghost. Lost power. Failed. After much investigation into the cause and much soul searching and technical and financial auditing (not) the MD of NIGCOMSAT then rushed down to the National Assembly to ask for funds to replace the “parked” satellite with two. So instead of $250m could he please just have $500m so that he can have a spare. You know just in case. Maybe Mark Hughes should run for office in Nigeria.?

Having thought long and hard about it I can only surmise that this is some sort of money laundering scam by our friends from the desert. The Arabs of course not the Hausas of Northern Nigeria. I am talking about Kaka the player not the space satellite Kaka of course.

In my mind I see the negotiations thus between the buyer and the agent.:
Hello I am is Abdul from Abu Dhabi. I want Kaka.
Sir the toilet is that way.
Toilet? No toilet. I want Kaka and I want right here, right now.
Sir I am sorry but you cannot Kaka right here, right now.
I give you $50m.
Sir, we will bring the toilet to you for you to Kaka right here, right now. Is there anything else you would like?
No just Kaka and tomorrow he must be in Manchester.
Oh I see. You want Kaka the player, not Kaka the toilet.
Yes Kaka the player to go to Manchester, the toilet. I give you $100m.
Sir for that sort of money you can have Kaka and Kajagoogoo
No kajagoogoo. Just Kaka. I give you $150m. You take cheque? I only have $100m cash.
Sir we have just spoken to Kaka and he says that he is not interested in moving for money.
Not for money! For Manchester City. I give you $200m.
Sir without even speaking to Kaka I can assure you he will be in Manchester City by next season.
Next season? No tomorrow. I want Kaka now. Tell him I pay him $500,000 every week.
Sir Kaka is already on the plane and will be arriving in Manchester shortly. We will inform his family and team mates as soon as we have the chance (or the cheque clears, whichever comes first).

Pardon the flight of fantasy but how else can you explain this type of lunacy? Again I am of course referring to the football one. The Nigeria satellite one is easily explained is it not?