My Iyawo wants a gun!!

As you now know we are making plans to return to Naija next year (my idea) with the kids. Needless to say this has led to endless debates. There are the good days when we talk about buying a boat and sailing around the many private beaches, all the new cool hangout places that are opening up and being able to have family barbecues without worrying about rain. Ah bless.

But then there are also the not so good days when elder daughter (from now on refereed to as ED) will remind me that her GSCEs are in two years and why take her away from her friends (and the numerous shopping malls) when she will only be returning for her GSCEs and A-levels soon anyway. Hmmm don't you just hate how logical they can be when it suits their purposes.

Middle daughter (MD) is not really bothered. She has age mates that she can play with so all is mostly well in her world.

The youngest two don't have a say in the matter. what I say to them goes - (like Nigerian democracy. No argument).

So now we come to madam. Madam is half Nigerian and grew up in Nigeria so no biggie from an integration point of view. However I do have one concern about madam's shopping list for the move. Furniture. Check. Appliances. Check(maybe two of everything because of NEPA wahala). Generator. Check. Housewares. Check. 9mm pistol. Now wait a minute. She says that this is to ensure that if we are ever attacked by armed robbers (God forbid), that they will know we mean business. Hmmm. How so??

I try to explain that these no - hopers generally tend to travel in relatively large groups and these days come heavily armed (ever wondered how they ended up with Uzis whilst the Nigerian Police still carry their shakabula? Might it have something to do with Tafa having multimillion naira properties all over the globe?) .

My words have fallen on deaf ears so far. She reckons that once she starts firing from inside they will think twice about it. This based on the assumption that we are dealing with intellectuals that actually think? My concern is that they will return even heavier fire and with children inside this is not a win-win scenario.

Also what happens if one day the stress of Lagos life gets too much for Iyawo and she decides to take it out on poor unsuspecting me as I return from the office. My darling, today I had a flat tire, the generator broke down, the housemaid is pregnant by the guard, the neighbours have been blaring music all day, my salary is now three weeks late and I have just had enough. So do you want to know what is for dinner. I'll tell you what's for dinner.............

Discussing this with a friend I am surprised at his support of her idea. He is returning to Naija next year as well and is going for the full American military commando range - sniper rifles, night goggles, bullet proofs, sensor alarms. perimeter sensors etc. It occurs to me very quickly that I am not going to get his support. I have so far managed to keep him and my wife apart in the hope that he will not influence her into more extremism - "honey I've decided against the 9mm. Now what I want is to go and train with the US Navy Seals and come back with an arsenal of weapons. How big do you think a rocket launcher really is?".

I remember the way armed robbers used to be so civilised when I was growing up. A knock on the door, a discussion as to the merits of the homeowner opening the door rather than making them work to break it down, maybe a flash of the newly sharpened cutlass. A short while later, tea was had by all, handshakes all around and they were on their way. Now from the minute I land at the airport all I hear about is gloom and doom. Oga did you hear about Mr so so and so. He was killed last night by armed robbers, they raped his wife, took all his belongings etc etc.

So anyway here is my plan. I intend to find us a house which we will then build a moat around, we will fill this with alligators, the garden will be filled with rabid hungry dogs, the fence will be electrified (by generator obviously. I cannot rely on NEPA for my security), the ground floor of the house will be built totally of steel and finally I will then site a police station on the roof. If this does not put them off then nothing will. All I have to do now is convince Iyawo.