Thursday, 19 May 2011

Time for a change

After many years of Chelsea rules. Ok? I have decided it is time for a change. Something different. More vibrant. More creative. More stimulating. As regular readers will know I am not one to postulate, make noise, do shakara (why are you shaking head, its true). To this end I have created a new blog that is more in line with my new character. The new me who likes to postulate, make noise and do shakara. Hence why I have called it - In My Humble Opinion. (Why shaking of head again? It is humble. Just because i decide not to keep it to myself or resist shouting from the rooftops does not make it any less humble.Really.

So for the hundreds of thousands of you that have come to visit me here (see humility? I no wan talk the real number of visitors otherwise I go shame some people) please join me on this new journey at The newest and bestest blog in the whole universe. In my humble opinion.

Thanks again for your company and comments. Most of you.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

New Year resolutions Pt 2.....the saga continues

Firstly apologies for the interrupted service denying you the chance to share your views and abuse with me. There is no excuse other than that which I mentioned in part 1. Procrastination. However I give you a solemn promise that I will be back in full flow.

First thing tomorrow. See you then. Promise.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

My (belated) NewYear's shouldn't rush into these things lightly.

Exercise more – I am told that the thing in the corner of my bedroom on which I casually hang my clothes actually serves another function. According to the manual that was recently thrust under my nose, again, if one were to climb on to this contraption, place ones feet on the pedal looking things one would actually burn calories and fat and one would be considered to be doing aerobic exercise. Oh yes, one must not forget to actually push down on the pedal things and pull on the aforementioned coat hangers. One will give this a try. Tomorrow. If any damage was to occur to one please remember to tell the coroner Iyawo made me do it.

Eat healthier – It has been brought to my attention that there are some foods that are naturally green and are good for you. As a typical Yoruba man I am of the opinion that if it is green and comes out of the ground then it needs to be fried in some kind of saturated fat to make it edible. Or even better yet Palm oil. Iyawo, in alliance with that yeye Dr of ours, now informs me that it is possible to eat and digest these substances naturally and wituout support from amala,eba and other nutritious starches. I had always assumed that was the difference between animals, like goats and horses, and humans. It now transpires that I must now share the same dining table or stable with them.

Oh and now they are trying to convince me that plantain is not a vegetable!! Is is not green when it first comes from the market before I lovingly wrap it in that blanket and put it under the sink until I can smell its wonderfully putrid odour signaling that it is now ripe for dropping with care into boiling red oil? The debate over this one is still ongoing and in the meantime I will continue to imbibe freely.

Finally, they casually mention that it is possible to drink water that has not been diluted, coloured, or carbonated in some way. Yes it might be possible but whats the point? Needless to say I have had to succumb to pressure and confirm that I will be taking one glass of this substance, orally, at least once a day if not more. Said dosage not to be preceeded by alcohol, ribena, juices or other sugary liquids of any kind.!!

Relax – It is fair to say that my idea of relaxing is my BB in one hand and ipad in the other whilst watching a film and maybe listening to some music in the background. Besides proving to Iyawo that men can truly multitask I have now been advised by that yeye Dr again that relaxing means letting go of all my gadgets, locking myself in a dark room and taking it EASY. I have promised to look up that term in the dictionary as soon as they give me my ipad back. And the good Dr is prepared to pay off my mortgage and marry off my three daughters. To Northern politicians of course.I am sure that would relax me extremely.

Be happier – I have had to put my foot down on this unless a compromise can be reached on the first three items mentioned above. If one can;t fry ones plantain in palm oil where does happiness come into the picture? In parallel Iyawo has also refused to budge on the Halle Berry issue so this one will be quite a struggle. I mean is it any wonder the poor girl has to throw herself at all these Hollywood losers when Iyawo will not release me from my vows just for one week? Its obvious, to me, what she really needs in her life is an IT consultant. A digital soulmate.

Be more giving – I have thought long and hard about this. Now those that know me will say aha you are already too generous and are already making so many sacrifices but I feel I must do more. After a lot of internet research, of course, to find the right cause and outlet for my gift I have decided to focus on mentoring those girls that apply to Playboy magazine to be playmates of the month, or year, but for some reason never quite make it. Imagine the devastation of being rejected because these are too big or that is too wide, or for the unfortunate tattoo that says Crack bitch or Lammar's Ho on ones inner thigh.

To this end I propose to offer them some comfort and solace and a shoulder to cry on. It is only right and fair to give these needy souls something to hold on to as we enter this new year. Yes it means more sacrifice on my part but surely this is what giving is all about? I have raised this again with Iyawo this year, being the fifth year in a row, and this time I am feeling very optimistic that she will finally say yes. She said earlier today that I would be hearing from her lawyers soon and that there would be fireworks this evening. This time insde the house. Wow. I can't wait.

In the meantime, HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Sun worshipper

I awake to find you
Creeping up my toes
Like a lover with desire
I yawn and stretch
And spread myself carelessly
Enjoying your embrace
The morning air, already warm
Fans my face softly and gently
I turn to face you
To give my full attention
I have to cover my eyes
Blinded by your brilliance.

I take a stroll to the water’s edge
Disrobe with a shrug
And slip into the calming waves
They lap at me like last nights dreams
I open my arms wide
I soak in the sensation
Of a million magic fingers
Sparkling with your light
Warmed by your heat
Reaching to my core
I float, float, float away.

I throw myself onto golden sands
Watch water beads evaporate
Steam rising off my skin
As you caress me with your rays
You, and your accomplice, the wind
Playfully soothing me into a gentle daze
Lulling me into a light slumber
I wake to find you disappearing
Over the horizon from whence you came
But I know it will not be long
Before you appear again
Creeping up my toes
Like an old lover
With Desire.

Thursday, 28 October 2010

You think you 've had love.......

You think you’ve had love
But you ain’t seen nothing yet
I got more love
Than I know what to do with
And all I yearn for
Is to give it to you
My heart’s desire
My secret longing
My hidden passion

You think you’ve had love
But you ain’t seen nothing yet
I got more love
Where that came from
I was raised in love
By love and for love
Soaked in its powers
Dazzled by its beauty
This is what I have t give

You think you’ve had love
But you ain’t seen nothing yet
I got the kind of love
That can make you go crazy
Make you go dizzy
Set you a- floating
Toes all a tingling
Make you go ahhh

You think you've had love
But you aint seen nothing yet
My love will hit you
With the force of a hurricane
Electrify like a lighning strike
Pour down like a thunderstorm
Shake hard like an earthquake
Heat up like the burining sun
I'll be your natural phenomenon

You think you’ve had love
But you ain’t seen nothing yet
I got the kind of love
That goes beyond Christmas
Welcomes in the new year
Slides straight past Easter
Still with you in summer
October, November, December

If you’d just give me a chance?

Friday, 1 October 2010

Independence Day

Don't you know they're talking about a celebration now
Sounds like a whisper
Don't you know they're talking about an election now
Sounds like a whisper

While we queue in our petrol lines
In an oil producing country
While we pray for electricity
And clean water just to soothe our brow
While we scramble for the scraps
That fall off the tables of the mighty

Don't you know they say we are 50 years old now
So why are we still crawling?
Don't you know they're talking about an election now
When we already know the winner

While we die on our potholed roads
Or murdered by our so called protectors
While outdated diseases find new lives
And our children lack for education 
While our hospitals are bereft of care
And our security is not guaranteed 

Don't you know they're talking about a celebration now
Sounds like an obscenity
Don't you know they're talking about an election now
Sounds like profanity

When are the good people going to rise up
And tell the truth
When are the good people going to rise up
And claim what's theirs

Saturday, 11 September 2010

What an outrage!!!!!

Like all good Muslims everywhere I am outraged by this man. Has he no sense of shame? No sense of decency? No sense of decorum? He has outraged the world. He has caused great consternation globally. The Internet is aflame with discussions and comments. The TV channels cannot get enough. The big question on everyone's mind is - will he or won't he? The whole world waits with baited breath to find out when he will shave off that ridiculous handlebar tache? This is 2010 for goodness sakes.

And as for burning the Koran? This is 2010 for goodness sake.