For better for worse. No be so?

My people oh see me. Please be careful oh when choosing your significant other. You think you know them. You spend some time together. They seem perfectly normal and rational. No police record(abeg check it oh). No twitching, foaming at mouth or projecting of vomit. So you decide to take the plunge. See that is the first hint. Plunge. Means going down at a very speedy rate. Does not bode well does it? Ah, the big wedding day. You spend money you never even begin to earn. Your children's children will still be paying it off but of course all your close "relatives" and "friends" enjoy themselves yanfu, yanfu whilst giving you bucket with your name and picture on it as wedding gift. What's wrong with Benjamin Franklins picture you wonder? Or the Queen's picture for that matter? She looks especially good on the front of the £50 note. No be so?

Anyway years down the line your dearly beloved is going on holiday to NY and you innocently ask her to help you buy some shoes. Black business shoes. No problem. Slippers. Ditto. White leather, loafers, Giorgio Brutini with gold buckle. You know like they wear on Miami Vice (after all if you look like Ricardo Tubbs why not dress like him? Logical isn't it?). So this is where the palaver starts oh. White shoes? Why do you want white shoes? Where are you planning to wear them? Who is going to be with you when you are wearing them? Aha kilode? Nonsense and ingredient. I explain, patiently, that since I am now spending a lot of time in Naija I intend to wear it there where I will of course be the epitome of coolness in my pink Fubu short sleeves and white straight leg jeans.

I mean can you not see me down at the Eko Hotel getting admiring glances from the working girls. Don't jealous me oh. I'm just you know, down with it.

Anyway sha, she reluctantly arrived back with the white shoes. She then handed them over like they were radioactive or something, wrinkling her nose and what not. I could tell her opinion of me had changed. She was looking at me differently (like hm I better keep my eyes on this one. Next thing now he will be asking to try my pants and bra........ Again). She then called all the children to come and witness the event. Those one are now looking at me like I am Michael Jackson inviting them for a sleepover. They are thinking hmm I wonder if Social Services will put us in a good foster home when they put this yeye man away. I have suspicions sef say Iyawo has phoned our lawyer to ask if this one never pass "for worse".

Men, you should have seen me trying on those shoes. The soft leather, the whiteness, the gold buckle. Heaven oh. I could not wait to hit Naija to display.

Phase 2 - My sister has come to visit me at the hotel. As I am unpacking she notices my white shoes which I carefully unwrapped from their suede protective bag. "White shoes? Why do you want white shoes? Where are you planning to wear them? Who is going to be with you when you are wearing them?" Et tu sista? You know a prophet never gets the props he deserves in his own home but this is too much now. These people are trying to break me. Cast doubt in my mind. But I am a fighter. Me, I am going out in these shoes whether you people want to come or not. By next week I am sure I will be in City People magazine. London Big Boy arrives in white shoes. Believe.

Phase 3- Fast forward to Abuja. I am going out to dinner with two friends. I have already picked one up and then we go and pick up our female dinner partner. She is just finishing dressing so we wait in the sitting room. When she finishes we all head off and I cannot contain myself any longer. Aha. Is the woman blind. Can she not see how I am glowing from head to foot? Why no comment? So I asked her. Aha, what do you think of my shoes now? Can you believe what she says. "Oh I thought I noticed someone wearing white shoes but I thought to myself it could not possibly be. So I did not focus on it". Imagine.

Phase 4.- Back in London. One week now. Iyawo has not asked me any questions about my shoes oh. She has made small talk about business in Naija, parents, friends, schools for the kids, politics and other irrelevant subjects like that. I know she is purposely avoiding asking about the shoes for fear that I tell her that I wore them to her parents place and they are therefore returning the dowry ( and the bucket with our pictures on it) in the hope that we will return their daughter whilst she is still young enough to attract a real man.

I never tell her that the first hint of sun we get in this country my shoes are coming out and we are all going for a walk on the High street. And this time we are going to walk on the same side of the street. I will even hold her hand sef. For better for worse indeed.